Press Releases Gaspari Style

Do you know what a press release is? It’s a public statement that nobody, especially the press, gives a shit about. If the press cared, you’d see the information written in a legitimate article by a reputable news outlet. Ergo, having thusly defined “press release” as the equivalent of a toddler crying for attention, we can take a look at what the Gaspari Clan has been offering us lately…

Liz Gaspari was terminated from her role at the company. No shocker there. Here’s a link to the full press release (oddly, The Wall Street Journal hasn’t covered it yet)…and here’s the important part:

Impending divorce tends to have this effect...

Impending divorce tends to have this effect…

Again, there was nothing shocking about that press release. At least not compared to this one, which actually refers to Gaspari Nutrition as Liz Gaspari Nutrition:

LizGaspariNutrition

I’ve always wondered what the full name of the company was…

Epic. This is only overshadowed by the time they issued a press release to announce that they made a private donation to the United Cerebral Palsy Foundation:

Let's briefly define the word "private"....

Let’s briefly define the word “private”….

If you want to keep up with Liz, and not just her former employer/husband, never fear. There are press releases from the past few years, and ongoing, that chronicle her every move (yes, those are all live links to press releases about her):

She went to the release party for a shoe company.

She went to a charity ball attended by fellow faux-celebrity, Kim Kardashian.

She attended the album release of a third-rate R&B singer.

She went to the Mob Wives premier party.

Her family in Afghanistan has more goats than anyone else in the village.

You get the idea. I’m not much for press releases, but Team Gaspari have provided me with several minutes of amusement through their efforts, and I’ll make it a point of tracking any forthcoming revelations for potential lulz.

 

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